2017 Fidget Spinner World Championship, The Results Will Spin Your Head.

The 2017 Fidget Spinner World Championships were held today in Richmond Virginia at Jacob Eastman's mom's basement.

The first heat was intense with Scotty Scheidenberger, the Vegas odds on favorite, taking an early lead with his patented counter-clockwise spin flick.

In the end it was all about up-and-comer 32 year old Martin McCormick who despite a vicious asthma attack in the 3rd round was able to overcome his fear of being touched and spun his way to victory.

His secret? Shaving his index finger and lube. With such an unexpected upset, it has spun the Fidget Spinning world community into a frenzy

The 2017 Fidget World Championships concluded with Jacob Eastman's mom bringing down a tray of Little Smokies wrapped in bacon.

The basement was promptly aired out and emptied so Jacob's step-dad could practice sweet karate moves in peace.

See you next year at the 2018 Fidget Spinner World Championships!



Here are some of top quality Fidget Spinners Martin McCormick used to win the coveted title of best spinner in the world:

Fast Fidget Fact #2

Scientists at Tesla have been working on a revolutionary idea to harness the power of methamphetamine induced fidgeting by creating the Tesla Self-Sustaining Super Spinner.

If a subject is tweaked out on crystal and spins the new TSSS (Tesla Self-Sustaining Super Spinner) for 2 days straight, the electromagnets inside will harness the energy and save it to a battery that can power 34 homes for an entire week.

It is widely hypothesized in the science community that in the year 2050 that there will only be two types of jobs, AI Programming, and meth induced fidget spinning. To make sure your children are prepared for the future workforce you need to purchase a fidget spinner today so they can get started training for their lucrative career of smoking crank and spin'n fo' energy.

Here are some recommended practice spinners:

Fast Fidget Fact #1

100% of people on Earth make BMs and 97% of Millennials own fidget spinners. My scientific hypothesis is that all Millennials do something called "Spin'n While Poop'n." The results of my personal study is a shockingly high percentage of fecal matter on fidget spinners, especially from spinners owned by people between the ages of 2-36.

Common sense would be to wash your hands thoroughly after each poop and after each spin but I personally recommend purchasing a new fidget spinner every 48 hours if you care about your health and if you plan to be sanitary for the ones you love.